So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. Genesis 32:24
During my horse's ass phase, I wrestled with God ECW-style. I was mad at God for not going along with my carefully crafted plans! I took my life into my own hands, and once I came out of that phase, I knew I had to turn it back over to God. I decided to stop wrestling with God about the direction of my life.
I never anticipated the weighty feelings I have about my past. I am not a killer, drug user, thief, etc. But I treated a lot of people really badly for a long time, in various ways and I carry a lot of guilt and regret about that. I made some terrible choices and banked on being able to simply ask God's forgiveness and press on. I did not even consider consequences. When I went through my journals last weekend, so much of my wrongness and rottenness was in front of my eyes!
As I contemplate the concept of CONTENTMENT this year, I do believe I shall have to confront the weighty feelings about my past that I carry. This week I've spent a lot of time in prayer, simply repeating these words:
and not my present
for today is indeed a gift
thank you that my past need not be my future
please help me to carry the lessons
without rehashing the details
And you know what? It's helped. The physical effects anxiety and sorrow that creep in when I dwell on old memories longer than a second have been noticeably decreased. I do believe this may be a life-long project, but this small prayer has been my spiritual leatherman this week.
